New application for future Texas Residents

Application to Live in Texas   Name:__________________________   Nickname:_________________________________   CB Handle:_____________________   Pickup Truck Model:_____________________  Color:______________   Address (RFD No.):_______________________________________________   Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):__________________________________   Mamma:_________________________   Neck Shade:     _____Light Red       _____Medium Red       _____Dark Red   Number of teeth exposed in full grin:       Upper_____     Lower_____   Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________   Truck equipped with: ____Gun Rack            ____4-Wheel Drive       ____Confederate Flag ____8-Track Cassettes   ____Load of Wood  ____Hijacker Shocks ____Radar Detector      ____Mag Wheels          ____Dual CB Antennas ____Spittoon            ____Camper Top          ____Air Horns ____Mud Flaps           ____Toothpick Holder    ____Mud-Grip Tires ____Raccoon Hide        ____Big Dog             ____Hunting Rifle   Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____   BUMPER STICKERS: ____Eat more Possum             ____My other car is a piece of shit too ____Honk if you love Jesus      ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit ____Redman Chewing Tobacco      ____Wave if you're horny ____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit ____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Texas ____I Brake For Nuthin'         ____National Rifle Association   Define the following (must be 90% correct):   1. Grits        6. Sawmill Gravy        11. Cobbler     16. Tater 2. Goobers      7. Turnip Salad         12. Fatback     17. Pig Skins 3. Pinto Beans  8. Shit-on-a-Shingle    13. Tote        18. Okrie 4. Collards     9. Redeye Gravy         14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf 5. Sidemeat     10. Soppin' Syrup       15. Poke        20. Chitlins   Favorite Vocalist:   ____Reba McEntire        ____Conway Twitty      ____Loretta Lynn ____Hank Williams Jr.    ____Randy Travis        ____Ray Wylie Hubbard ____Tammy Wynette     ____Slim Whitman       ____Porter Wagoner ____Willie Nelson          ____George Jones        ____Box Car Willie   Favorite Recreation:   ____Square Dancin'      ____Possum Huntin'      ____Skinny Dippin' ____Craw Daddin'        ____Gospel Singin'        ____4-Wheelin' ____Drankin'               ____Spittin' Backy         ____Bill Chip Throwin' ____Honky Tonkin'       ____Noodlin'                 ____Other   Name of Son(s):   ____Bubba   ____Jim Bob    ____LeeRoy   ____J.D.                            ____Bill Lee  ____Bob Lee    ____Duke   Name of Daughter(s):  ____PammySue   ____Violet   ____Paulette   ____Daisy   Weapons Owned:   ___Deer Rifle   ___Sawed-Off Shotgun    ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin ___Tire Iron      ___Power Chain Saw      ___Pick Handle  ___Hick'ry Switch   Number of Dogs:____    Type:    ___Blue Tick    ___Beagle                                                 ___Black & Tan  ___Bird Dawg     Cap Emblem: _John Deer    ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser                 ___Vo-Tech        ___Skoal                        ___Coors                 ___NAPA            ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear                 ___N.R.A.           ___Redman                  ____Kodiak   Number of Dependends:    Legal:________         Claimed:_________   Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________   Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________   Memberships:   ___KKK          ___NRA          ___Moose        ___PTL Club     ___AA ___Bass Club    ___VFW          ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion ___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society   Length of Right leg:________              Length of Left leg:__________   Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____  Number of Testicles Left____   Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red?  ___Yes    ___No   How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______   How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________   Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________   Do you own any shoes?   ____Yes    ____No    If yes, how many?__________   What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________   Are you married to any of the following:   ____Sister      ____Cousin      ____Sow   Do you know her name?________________   Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________   Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________   Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________   If so, why?______________________________________________________________   Can you count:  Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________                         To 21 with your fly up?_____________________   Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________   Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________   Medical Information:   Do you have at least two of the following:   ___BO                ___Crabs            ___Head Lice      ___Rabies ___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose   ___Bad Breath   ___Chafing( Whar?)     IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF TEXAS, YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF Mississippi, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, ….YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT TEXAS. Disclaimer: This document is provided in Jest. Enjoy it and be proud of your heritage, your Momma, and your ForeBears.

 

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